You Are Not a Bystander: A Note for Non-Birthing Parents in the Postpartum Season
Let me start with a story.
Early in our relationship, my husband got a call about a family emergency. They did not/do not live anywhere near us. I watched him shut down in real time — frozen, not knowing what to do or where to start. I asked him if he wanted me to make the decision for him. He said yes. We made it.
In sports there is always the MVP but the MVP didn’t get their alone! The team helped! I was his team mate that day; I don’t get to the the most important person so I drove and that was important too!
Fast forward a four years. I am in labor. The contractions are so strong and so close together that I genuinely cannot think straight. And this time, he did it for me. He called our midwife. He got me in the car. He directed me when I could not direct myself.
We had learned how to do that for each other. And it made all the difference.
You Have a Job. It Is Not Optional.
In a heterosexual couple Non-birthing parent is dad/father.
In a queer couples non-birthing parent might be dad or mom.
Non-birthing parents sometimes feel like they are standing on the outside of the postpartum experience — watching, helping where they can, but not really sure what they are supposed to be doing.
Here is what you are supposed to be doing: making your partner’s parenthood easier.
Not doing it perfectly. Not doing it all. Just making it easier on the person who is physically recovering, hormonally shifting, and potentially feeding another human being with their body around the clock.
Not doing anything is not an option. And waiting to hear what they need might never happen!
What It Looked Like for Us
We were lucky. We both had six weeks off after our son was born and we stayed in our own little bubble at home. I know that is not everyone's reality — I will get to that.
During those six weeks my husband cooked and cleaned. We took shifts sleeping. Because I was breastfeeding I got a little less sleep than he did, so before he went to rest he made sure I had everything I needed on my rolling cart — snacks, water, extra water, anything I might reach for in the night. Every time he got up he asked if I wanted more water, if I wanted something to eat. When he went to the grocery store he came back with the usual things and a few new ones. "I thought you might like this."
I had stitches after delivery and had been told to take soaking baths regularly. Every now and again he would ask: "When is the last time you had a bath?" He took out the baby's diaper trash. He also took out mine — without making it a thing.
And I noticed all of it. I did not thank him every single time for every single thing, but I thanked him specifically and genuinely enough that he felt seen. That part mattered too.
If You Do Not Have Six Weeks
Most people in the states do not have any time off. And I want to speak to that directly because the pressure of going back to work while your partner is home with a newborn is its own kind of hard.
If you have the budget, consider a postpartum sitter — someone who can come to the house to support the birthing parent and baby while you are at work. A house cleaner, even once or twice, can take an enormous weight off.
If the budget is tight, here is what still matters:
Before you leave for work, make sure your partner has what they need to get through the next couple of hours. You probably cannot set them up for the whole day — but a couple of hours is still something. A water bottle or two. A snack. The baby settled for the moment. Offer to change the baby before you leave for the day; one less diaper for your partner.
A text during the day costs nothing. A phone call on your lunch break costs nothing.
And when you get home — this is important — you do not get to clock out. The birthing parent does not get a shift change. The universe is not fair, and the sooner you make peace with that the better marriage you will have in this season. Walk in the door and immediately ask what they need. If they need a break, take the baby. Be present and available as much as you possibly can.
If you are not breastfeeding, fix bottles ahead of time and have them ready. Wash the pump parts. Wash the bottle parts. Make sure there is distilled water in the house. These are small things that feel enormous at 3 AM.
This Too Shall Pass
The newborn season is finite. It does not feel that way when you are in it — but it is.
What you do in these weeks will be remembered. Not necessarily in a scorekeeping way, but in the way that builds a foundation. The way that shows your partner who you are when things are hard. The way that teaches both of you what it looks like to show up for each other.
Back to the sports lingo. She is the MVP here you are the supporting roll! You get no reward but if you are acting like just a bystander she won’t win! You are a PARTNER. And this is one of the most important seasons you will ever get to show up for.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.