Postpartum Feelings in the First Year and Beyond: Nobody Told Me It Would Look Like This
Let me say something out loud that not enough people are saying:
There is no right way to do this. And there is no wrong way either — as long as your baby is safe, fed, and loved. Even if that love looks different than you expected.
Especially if it looks different than you expected.
The Things Moms Are Afraid to Say Out Loud
In my work with pregnant & postpartum clients, I have heard things that people whisper like confessions:
"I don’t think I would love my baby when they first come out. I'm slow to warm up to people."
"I don't know if I can stay in my marriage. He doesn’t do anything!" Feelings of loneliness and abandonment.
"I'm barely doing enough. I feed them and make sure nothing bad happens — but I don't enjoy them. I don't want to play with them."
These are not bad mothers. These are honest ones.
And the shame that comes with those feelings — the silence around them — makes everything so much harder. Because when you cannot say it out loud, you carry it alone. And postpartum is already one of the heaviest seasons a human being can walk through.
Here is what I want you to hear: the feeling is not the failure. Struggling does not mean you are doing it wrong.
The Grading System Nobody Asked For
There is an invisible report card that gets handed to mothers the moment a baby arrives. Moms get graded on how well they mother — how patient they are, how present, how joyful, how put together. Meanwhile non-birthing parents tend to get graded on how well they provide.
In a heterosexual couple Non-birthing parent is dad/father.
In a queer couples non-birthing parent might be dad or mom
Both of these standards are unfair. Both cause suffering. And so much of that suffering happens in near silence — which only makes it worse.
Instagram motherhood is not real motherhood. The highlight reel is not the whole story. Your messy, imperfect, exhausted, doing-your-best version of motherhood is just as valid as anyone else's — and honestly, it is way more honest.
Some Things That Helped Me
One of my “other mothers” — a woman in my life who is old enough to be my mom and loves me like one, even though she isn't — gave me a book in my early postpartum days:
There Are Moms Way Worse Than You: Irrefutable Proof That You Are Indeed a Fantastic Parent by Glenn Boozan.
I had to read it more than once my first year. Once I even read it to my son at bedtime. It helped something new every time.
Despite all that the book helped me with; from time to time I still cried “I don’t want to fuck him up.” to my husband. Passing that test with 5 stars he held me and said “I know.”
While scrolling around I also found myself returning to Dr. Lauren Hughes, who talks about something that shifted my whole perspective: the goal is not to parent perfectly. The goal is to parent as well as you can — and when you fail (not if, when) to repair with your child.
That reframe also helped the “motherhood perfection” for me. Because it took perfection off the table entirely and replaced it with something actually achievable: showing up, messing up, and coming back…. being human.
Every mother is different. Which means every motherhood is different too.
Yours will not look like your mother's. It will not look like your best friend's. It will not look like the woman you follow on Instagram whose nursery is color coordinated and whose baby only wears linen.
It will look like yours. Sloppy in places, beautiful in others, completely unique to you and your child.
The only non-negotiables are safety. No shaking, no hitting, no harming. Everything else? There is grace there. More than you think.
You are not failing. You are in the middle of one of the hardest things a human being can do. And the fact that you are reading this, reflecting on it, wanting to do it well — that already says something about the kind of mother you are.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.