Helping someone in flight, fight, freeze.
You do not have to have a therapy degree to help someone you love in a moment of crisis.
You just have to show up.
Think about it this way: most of us do not know how to perform surgery, but we can call 911. We might not be paramedics, but we can follow instructions. When someone is in crisis, your job is not to have all the answers — it is to make sure they know they are not alone while their nervous system finds its way back.
This is how you do that.
What Is Actually Happening in Their Brain
When someone is in fight, flight, or freeze, their prefrontal cortex has essentially gone offline.
The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, reasoning, and problem-solving. Under normal circumstances it can sort through thousands of options and land on a choice. But when the nervous system is flooded — when the threat response takes over — that part of the brain is no longer running the show.
And here is the thing about having thousands of options when your brain cannot process them: it is not helpful. It is overwhelming.
This is why asking someone in crisis "how are you feeling?" or "what do you need?" often goes nowhere. It is not that they do not want to answer. It is that their brain genuinely cannot sort through the options right now.
Switch to Yes or No Questions
The most helpful thing you can do for someone in fight, flight, or freeze is remove the burden of open-ended thinking. Give them something they can answer with a single word.
Start broad and work your way in:
Do you feel bad?
Do you feel sad?
Do you feel mad?
Do you feel scared?
Do you feel hungry?
Do you want me closer?
Do you want me to give you some space?
Do you want me to stay?
Do you want me to be quiet?
Do you want me to talk to you?
Do you need some water?
Do you need to go outside?
Do you feel safe?
Hell once upon a time I ask “Do you want me to make this decision for you?” and my husband answered yes. In our relationship I enjoy making very little to no decisions but in that moment I was able to switch on my Bossy-Queen hat & directed him!
You are not trying to solve anything with these questions. You are giving their nervous system something small and manageable to respond to — a way back into the conversation, one yes or no at a time.
And as they answer, as they feel heard and not alone, the prefrontal cortex starts to come back online. Slowly. The window opens again.
Your job is presence.
Stay calm. Stay close — or give space, depending on what they need. Ask simple questions. Follow their lead. Let them know without words or with very few words that you are not going anywhere.
That is it. That is the whole job.
You do not have to be a therapist to do this. You do not have to be in therapy yourself. You just have to be willing to show up and stay.
After the Moment Passes
Once they are regulated — once the fight, flight, or freeze has moved through and they are back with you — that is the time for the bigger conversation. Not during. After.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.