“It's Not About The Nail” — Are You Actually Listening to Your Partner?
https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?si=2kYphzRbjGALxax3
I share this video with couples constantly — not to poke fun, but because it captures something so painfully real about the way most of us listen. Or rather, the way most of us don't.
Here is the truth: most people listen to respond or listen to fix. Very few people listen to actually listen.
And if you are doing the first two, you are missing the whole point — and more importantly, you are missing connection with your partner.
What Listening to Fix Sounds Like
Let me paint you a picture.
Your partner comes to you frustrated. They are venting, going in circles a little, and somewhere in the middle of it all they say something that slips out almost accidentally:
"No one wants me."
Now if you are listening to respond or fix, you jump in:
"That's not true!" "I want you!" "You are being so dramatic."
And just like that — the conversation shuts down. Your partner does not feel heard. You feel defensive. Nobody wins.
But what if you caught that word?
No one. No one on the planet?
That is a red alert. Because suddenly this conversation is not about you anymore — and a good listener notices that immediately.
What Listening to Listen Looks Like
So instead of defending yourself, you get curious.
"Who is 'no one,' baby?"
And your partner exhales — because you finally asked.
"You. My best friend. My boss. The kids. My mother."
Another red alert. You are on that list, yes — but so is their best friend. And something about that feels significant. So you take your best guess.
"I know your best friend has not been around lately. That sounds really hard."
And suddenly the walls come down.
"Yes! And when she is not around I feel like I have no one to talk to."
Now — a fix-it response would be: "You can talk to me!"
But a listening response sounds like: "That sounds so lonely."
Two words. So lonely. And just like that — connection. Your partner feels seen, not solved.
Remain Curious
I once read about a couple who had a creative trick for talking about conflict without it feeling like a personal attack. When something bothered them, they would refer to the person at fault by a different name — "Karl left the laundry on the floor" instead of "you left the laundry on the floor." It created just enough distance to talk about the issue without the other person shutting down defensively.
I love this because it is built on the same principle: assume your partner is on your team.
Your partner is mostly not trying to hurt you. They are usually trying to be heard. And when you listen from that place — from the assumption that this person loves you and is struggling with something — everything changes.
The next time you feel hurt by something your partner says, try this instead: get curious. Replace the defensiveness with a question. Replace the urge to fix with the urge to understand.
The fight that starts with "you never let me have any fun" might actually be about loneliness. The complaint that sounds like it is about you might have nothing to do with you at all.
You will never know if you are too busy loading your response.
Let your partner keep the nail in their head. Just listen.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.