Relationship Verbs Part 3 — To Share, To Play, To Refuse: Get Weird, Have Fun, and Learn to Say No
Last 3 verbs: Sharing Playing Refusing
The Fifth Verb: To Share
Sharing in a relationship is both physical and emotional — and people struggle with both.
The physical part is relatively straightforward. The moment you start cohabitating with someone, sharing becomes very real very fast. Who gets which side of the closet? Where does your stuff go in the kitchen? How do two people with two completely different systems for living merge into one shared space? That adjustment is harder than most people expect.
But the emotional sharing? That is where things get complicated.
I have been listening to some podcasts recently about how people are using AI to learn more about themselves — specifically so they can show up more fully in their relationships. And honestly, it makes a lot of sense. Because what I see in my work is that people stumble into relationships without ever truly introducing themselves. Two people go on a first date, one says they want to stay in Louisiana forever and the other says they want to move to Europe someday, and somehow they still end up engaged two years later. It just snowballs. And because no one ever stopped to truly share who they are and what they actually want, they find themselves deep in a partnership built on an incomplete picture.
Why does this happen? Insecurity. Shame. Guilt.
People tell themselves a story that they are unwanted, unworthy, too much, or not enough — and so they hide. Here is a real example of how fast it can happen: imagine you are watching a show with your partner and they make an offhand comment about how disgusting something is. Suddenly, that thing they called disgusting is a part of you — your desires, your tastes, your inner world. And just like that, you do not feel safe to share it. And if that one thing is not safe, what else is not safe? Your wardrobe? Your dreams? Your past? You start hiding more and more of yourself until the person your partner fell in love with is only a fraction of who you actually are.
Here is the truth: if you cannot fully share yourself with your partner, it may not be a true partnership. Maybe this is not the person you feel most like yourself with.
But — and this is important — you will never know if they are the right person if you never try. Because once you do share? They might surprise you completely. They might be the most accepting person in the world for exactly who you are.
They were just judging a TV show.
The Sixth Verb: To Play
Play is anything lighthearted. It can be sex, but it can just as easily be board games, cooking together, or an inside joke that has been running for three years.
My husband and I have a bit we do in the kitchen. He will playfully touch my butt, and I will coyly say — "that's my butt." We both laugh every single time. Before we had our son, I actually stopped to think: what happens when we do this in front of a child? And then we both concluded that it was probably fine — because if someone were touching our child's butt, we would absolutely want them to say something about it. So the bit stayed.
That is play. It is lighthearted, it is connected, it is ours.
Anytime you are genuinely having a good time with your person — laughing together, enjoying each other's company, actually connecting — that is play. It does not have to be elaborate or planned. It just has to be real.
Couples who do not play together typically do not have fun together. And what is a relationship without fun? There is that old saying: all work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy. In a relationship, it makes for a very dull couple.
The Seventh Verb: To Refuse
This one might seem obvious, but let's talk about it anyway — because people get it wrong in both directions.
If you feel like you cannot say no in a relationship, then you cannot truly say yes either. Everything just keeps moving forward on its own momentum. I have had relationships in my past that felt that way in hindsight. He felt like he could not say no, and then suddenly we had been living together for a year and I was talking about a wedding. And he knew all along that I was not the right person for him. But he could not refuse — so here we were.
Refusal is not just about the big things either. It shows up in the small moments too.
My husband recently brought home a new flavor of ice cream for me. It was a thoughtful gift — genuinely appreciated. And I told him he did not have to buy that one again. I did not hate it. I just did not love it. And I felt completely safe saying so.
That is what a healthy relationship makes possible. The ability to say "I appreciate you, and also — not that flavor." Without guilt. Without it becoming a thing.
If you cannot refuse the small things, you will not be able to refuse the big ones. And a relationship where one person cannot say no is not a partnership. It is just two people moving in the same direction until one of them finally stops.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.
Perel, E. (2019). 7 verbs that shape the way you love. estherperel.com