Relationship Verbs Part 2 — To Take & To Receive: Nobody Wants to Admit They Need Either One
Next two verbs: Taking and Receiving
Taking, in the context of a healthy relationship, means taking what you need — unapologetically, intentionally, and without guilt.
Here's my personal example, and yes, my husband will confirm every word of this.
I ask him every single time before I get in the shower: "Hey, do you need me in the next 20 to 45 minutes?" Because my shower time is not just hygiene. It is decompression. It is meditation. It is the place where I reset my nervous system, process my day, and come back to myself. It is, genuinely, one of my most consistent coping skills — and I protect it accordingly.
I am taking that time for myself. I ask first out of consideration, but once I step in — I am fully in. No guilt about what I am leaving him to handle. Before our son it was dishes and two cats. Now? It is a toddler who has discovered he loved to hear the word "no" about five million times per minute.
I take my shower. I come back regulated. Everyone benefits.
That is what healthy taking looks like. You identify what you need, you communicate it, and then you actually take it — without spending the whole time feeling bad about it.
Receiving is not the same as taking — and it is not the same as owing someone something in return.
I have gotten better at letting go of the tit-for-tat mentality. But what I have learned matters just as much — you have to say thank you.
In the first six weeks after our son was born, my husband was, as the kids say, chef's kiss. He was amazing. He cooked, he cleaned, he let me sleep, he filled my water cup without being asked. He gave and gave and gave and expected nothing in return.
What I could give back in those early weeks was small. But what I could always do — and what I made sure to do — was notice.
"Thank you for cooking my breakfast.""Thank you for letting me sleep a little longer.""Thank you for filling my water cup."
He was giving freely — no scoreboard, no strings. But I have to believe it helped to be seen. To be thanked. To know that his giving was landing somewhere and that I noticed every single bit of it.
Receiving well does not mean matching what someone gives you dollar for dollar, favor for favor. It means letting it in. Acknowledging it. Saying thank you like you mean it — because you do.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.
Perel, E. (2019). 7 verbs that shape the way you love. estherperel.com