Relationship Verbs Part 1 — To Ask & To Give: Hot Tub Confessions and Why You Should Put the Scoreboard Away
The First Two Verbs: Ask & Give
In my work with couples, I rarely see partners who are truly asking for what they need. What I see instead is demanding. There is a significant difference between "I need more quality time with you" and "You never make time for me and if you don't change I can't keep doing this." One opens a door. The other slams it.
Here's the reframe: instead of asking for things your partner genuinely cannot give, get curious about what they can give — and ask for that. And when you ask? Ask kindly. Ask with trust. A relationship is not a 50/50 transaction at all times — someone has to go first. Someone has to extend the ask vulnerably, trusting that their partner will show up with what they have, when they have it. That trust is not weakness. That trust is the relationship.
Now flip it to the giver's side — because this is where I see just as much work to be done.
If you want your partner to feel safe enough to ask you for things, you have to be someone who receives their asks with kindness. If every time they bring a need to you it's met with defensiveness, dismissal, or an eye roll — they will stop asking. And silence in a relationship is rarely peace. It's usually resignation.
Give freely. Give honestly. And for the love of your partner— put the scoreboard away. A relationship where every act of generosity comes with a mental tally is exhausting for both people. Give because you love them. Not because you're owed something back.
EXAMPLE
A personal example that covers both verbs:
About six months into dating my now-husband, we had a pool day at my apartment complex. We migrated from the pool to the hot tub, and if you were expecting what most people might expect in that moment — well, I'm a counselor. So instead I looked at him and asked: "What is one thing about me that pisses you off that I could work on improving?"
He absolutely thought it was a trap.
I told him straight up: "If you want to date a therapist, you better get used to it." Once he was convinced I genuinely wouldn't get defensive, he told me — gently — that I could work on keeping track of my phone. Now, this was fair. On our fourth or fifth date I had already asked him to text my mom to let her know I'd left my phone somewhere and I was not, in fact, dead. Six months in? Still a regular occurrence. Fair point good sir, fair point!
So I worked on it. And I went from a solid 50/50 to about 90-95%.
That's both verbs in one hot tub conversation. I asked — really asked, without an agenda. He gave — honestly, kindly, without cruelty. And I received it well enough to actually change. That's the whole game right there.
Also it could have been the opposite. He could have asked me to work on it and my working on it would be the giving.
Perel, E. (2019). 7 verbs that shape the way you love. estherperel.com