There's More Than One Way to Compromise
It never fails. A client comes in, we start talking about compromise, and the moment I mention that there are other types — I get the look. The one that says I have suddenly started speaking a different language.
And honestly? I get it. Most of us grew up thinking compromise meant one thing: split the difference. Meet in the middle. 50/50. Done.
But what if the middle doesn't make sense? What if splitting the difference actually makes both people miserable?
There are actually many types of compromise — and knowing all of them might change the way you navigate every disagreement in your relationship. Let's talk about it.
1. The 50/50 Split This is the one everyone knows. The car salesman wants $20,000. You want to pay $15,000. You settle on $17,500. Done!
But here's where it breaks down: what if your husband wants to move to Washington and you want to move to North Carolina? Moving to Kansas just to split the difference doesn't make a whole lot of sense for anybody. Sometimes the middle isn't the answer — and that's exactly why we need other types.
2. Both Lose Yes, this is a real option. And yes, it sounds terrible — but hear me out.
You want to vacation in California. He wants Disney. Neither of you can get excited about the other's pick. So... no vacation. You put the money in savings and try again next year. Sometimes the most honest answer is that neither option works right now, and that's okay.
3. Take Turns Winning This one comes with some direction, so stay with me.
Flip a coin to decide who wins the first disagreement — but here's the thing, coins aren't always fair. You could flip heads five times in a row. So the rule is: whoever won last time automatically loses next time, and you only flip a coin on the odd rounds. Flip, auto selected, flip, auto selected, flip,... you get it.
Example: I want to go to the zoo tomorrow. He wants to do chores and have a fun day Sunday instead. We flip — and I win! Great for me now. But next disagreement? It's his turn, no questions asked. Fair is fair, even if it is hard for me.
4. The Integrative Solution This is my personal favorite — and it's the one most couples don't even try.
Instead of fighting for your first pick, you both sit down and dig deeper. Why do you want Washington? Why do I want North Carolina? What are we actually looking for? And somewhere in that conversation, a third option neither of you originally considered starts to make sense.
Washington. North Carolina. Colorado? YEAH COLORADO! (#IWish)
5. One Person Yields This one only works when it comes from a genuine place — not resentment, not keeping score or taking turns winning and losing.
Back to the vacation debate. Maybe I know he is dying to go to Disney. Like, this has been his dream for two years. And honestly? I'd rather have a vacation than no vacation, and Disney is fine by me. So I let him have this one — freely, without strings attached.
The key word there is freely. Yielding only works when you mean it. The moment it becomes a bargaining chip, it stops being a compromise and starts being a setup. “Well I let your win last time” IS NOT a true yield!
6. The Contingency Agreement Think of this one as the "let's see what happens" compromise.
We can't agree on a dinner spot. So we make a deal: let's drive by Walk-On's and check the wait. If it's too long, we go to your pick — no negotiation, no guilt trip. One condition, clear outcome. This works really well for low-stakes decisions where flexibility is easy.
7. Agree to Disagree This one is self-explanatory — and it doesn't always work depending on the issue. But sometimes two people can simply hold different opinions and both be okay. Not every disagreement needs a resolution. Some things can just... coexist.
The next time you and your partner hit a wall, think “We have many options!” to move forward.
Compromise isn't one-size-fits-all. And knowing your options might just change everything.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.