There Is No Magic Answer
Before I started my own practice, I worked in a group practice. Near the end of my time there, a coworker and I got into one of those great hallway conversations — the kind where you start talking about one client and end up talking about all of them.
My coworker was working with an individual client navigating a struggling relationship. I was working with a couple. At some point we realized we were hearing the same thing from completely different angles — and saying the same thing back.
My coworker told me: "I said to my client, 'You need to listen to your partner. If you really listen to them, they'll want to show up for you.' And they looked at me like I'd insulted them. 'That answer is too simple,' they said."
I laughed — because I'd just had the same moment. My couple came in frustrated, disconnected, not talking. I told them the path forward was to make more time to talk. They stared at me like I had just read the Rosetta Stone out loud.
And that's when it hit me: simple isn't the same as easy. And your resistance to the simple answer might be the whole problem.
Here's what I mean.
On coping skills: I have clients who tell me a coping skill isn't working — but when I dig in, they've tried it twice. Maybe three times. I always ask: "You're 35 years old telling me you've never used a coping skill that actually helped. Let me ask you something — are you a professional baseball player after buying a glove from Academy Sports?" No? Because you'd need to practice first. How long before someone becomes a pro? Years of daily practice. Coping skills are no different. You have to use them every single day — not just when you're in crisis — before they become second nature.
On relationships: I'll ask couples: "When is the last time you went on an actual date? And I don't mean eating out. I mean a date — puppy loving over each other, holding hands, whispering sweet nothings, making out like you used to." The answer is almost always some version of "...years." And there it is. You're not disconnected because something is broken beyond repair. You're disconnected because you've been acting like roommates. The direction is simple. Doing it consistently, vulnerably, without your phones — that's the hard part.
On sleep: Someone comes in and tells me they've diagnosed themselves with insomnia. Then they tell me they eat dinner at 9 PM, watch TV in bed until 1 AM, have a desk job, don't exercise, and drink coffee and energy drinks from 8 AM to 9 PM. The answer isn't a mystery. Sleep hygiene is a real thing, and changing those habits is genuinely difficult — but the direction? Not complicated.
I'm not telling you these things to be dismissive. I'm telling you because I've watched people sit across from me, hear something true, and talk themselves out of trying it because it sounded too obvious.
Just because the direction seems simple — just because it's something you've heard five thousand times before — doesn't mean it won't work.
If you are willing to do the hard simple work, you will see change.
That's not a magic answer. That's just the truth.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a replacement for therapy, counseling, or mental health treatment. If you are interested in working with me, please sign up for counseling through the New Client tab.