I got off the phone with my mom recently, and she told me about yet another friend who's been cut off from her adult child and grandchild. The message was blunt: "You can't be around your grandchild until you get therapy."
Let me be clear — I'm fully on board with adult children setting that boundary. I love working with grandparents who've been told they need therapy, sometimes even ordered to go. I've had several of these clients over the years, and honestly, they're some of my favorites to work with.
But here's what gets me every time: most people who send someone to therapy don't tell them why.
It's just a blanket statement — "you need therapy" — with no explanation attached. And if you genuinely care about this person, and you genuinely want them to change, why wouldn't you tell them what you actually want fixed?
Here's how it usually plays out. A grandparent comes into my office and says, "All my kids cut me off at once, and I don't know why." I'll gladly work with them. We'll dig in, and often they do improve — but not necessarily in the direction the adult children were hoping for.
Maybe they start working on emotional boundaries. That turns into addressing their own self-care. That turns into uncovering some personal blind spots they never knew were there. Three years of on-and-off therapy later, real growth has happened — but the one specific thing the adult child wanted addressed? Still untouched, because nobody ever named it.
If you want someone to get help with drinking too much, say that. If it's low emotional intelligence, say that. If you're noticing narcissistic or borderline tendencies (and to be clear — most people don't have narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, but plenty of people have traits or tendencies worth addressing), say that too.
Therapy works best when there's a target. Vague ultimatums might get someone through the door, but without a clear "this is what I need to see change," you're leaving your loved one — and their therapist — to guess.
If you love someone enough to cut them off until they get help, you love them enough to tell them why.
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only. While it may offer some therapeutic insight, it is not a replacement for therapy and does not establish a therapist-client relationship. Reading this post does not mean you are under my care. Therapy takes place within a HIPAA-protected, confidential setting tailored to your individual needs — something a blog post simply can't replicate. If you're struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional in your area.