Consent Starts Early

It is strange to go 13 years without talking about consent in your relationship and then suddenly bring it up.

“Hey sweetheart, I just wanted to have a talk with you. Did you know that when someone says no, it means no? I mean, you can even say no to me—did you know that? I know this is new to you but now we are ready for the consent talk. I was the one setting all the rules. I decided what was okay, I decided what happened, and you followed along. But now, 13 years later, I wanted to talk with you about consent.”

By now, I hope you are realizing I am not talking about a romantic 13 year relationship.

I am talking about your relationship with your 13 year old baby.

No one really thinks about this, but consent is something you can begin teaching from day one. Not as a formal concept—but as a pattern of communication, respect, and response. A pattern that later becomes the foundation for how a child understands real consent when they are older.

By 8–12 months, babies are already learning cause and effect, tone, routine, and response. They are not understanding “consent” in the adult sense, but they are absolutely learning whether their cues are respected and whether communication matters.

By 11 months, I would say to my son, “Can I change your diaper?” and he would smile and clap his hands. I would narrate what was happening: “Oh my goodness, you pooped. I am going to wipe your butt.” Or, “Wow, that is a lot of pee-pee. I’m going to clean your penis.”

All of this, long before he could speak, helped build a pattern: communication happens before action, and his responses matter.

So by the time he is 13, the idea that someone checks in, listens, and respects boundaries will not be new or foreign—it will already be familiar.

Hopefully, “the talk” won’t feel awkward for either of us.

If you are thinking, “I don’t know if I want to say penis, vulva, or vagina in front of my baby,” that is okay.

Consent is not just about anatomy words. It shows up in everyday interactions. You can ask to pick them up—and if they lean away, whine, or push your hands off, that “no” matters. You can narrate what you’re doing before you do it. You can pause when they resist. You can let them respond.

And when their “no” can’t actually change the outcome, you still acknowledge it and name it: “Sweet boy, I hear you. You don’t want to get back in the car seat. But my job is to keep you safe, and I have to buckle you so we can go home.”

Does a one-year-old understand every word? No.

But they do learn the pattern: my signals are noticed, my feelings are real, and safety still leads.

And that pattern is where consent begins.

Consent begins with the two safest people in the world… mom and dad.

And it starts the day they are born.