I Still Write Him Love Notes
When thinking about our loved ones, there can be this idea that everything should be fair. But love is rarely fair.
Love is sacrifice. It is thinking about the other person before yourself. It is showing up for them even when it is hard to show up for yourself—trusting that they would do the same in return. In that way, it becomes equal or almost fair, even if it is not always balanced.
Brené Brown talks about a practice in her home where she and her partner check in with each other at the end of the day by naming how much they have left to give. One might say, “I’ve got 20%,” and the other responds, “I can cover you—I’ve got 80%.” Some days, the total is more than 100%, and things feel easy. Other days, one person carries more of the weight. And sometimes, they both show up with almost nothing left—“All I’ve got is 5%.” On those days, it becomes even more important to stay kind to each other. Because tomorrow, the roles may reverse.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it means to invest extra energy into what I call “tomorrow debt.” On days when I have more to give—maybe I’m at 75%—I try to do something extra to invest in my relationship in the future.
Sometimes that looks like writing my husband a sticky note and hiding it for him to find later. I started doing this when we first began dating after he told me how much he enjoyed it. Knowing it brings him joy, I still do it from time to time.
The notes are simple:
“Thank you for keeping us [our family] safe.”
“I can’t wait to hear about your day.”
“Don’t forget today. I love you.”
I know I am not always easy to live with. There are days—sometimes several in a row—when I feel stuck at 25% or less, and he is the one carrying me.
But then he finds one of those notes.
And he smiles.
To my wonderful supportive husband on your second fathers day.